I don't make New Years resolutions, or anything like that, but I do like to set goals for myself that I do my best to follow.
This year, my focus was on learning to say "no" to things.
There is so much in my life I can't control right now.
I can't control that my husband is gone so much, that he is almost missed one-third of our son's life.
I can't control that I am stuck acting as the mother, father, butcher, baker, and candle stick maker. Inside and outside of the house has to be entirely in my control. I work 45 hours a week, commute almost 90 minutes a day, come home, make dinner, clean everything up, and then my ass has to still mow the lawn, weed, etc.
I can't control that I have no control over Troy's dream career being as elusive to obtain as "Unicorn Rancher".
I can't control I'm stuck in my house seven nights a week. That I can't join any church groups, book clubs, or anything. I can't control that despite having fantastic friends around the country, in my heart of hearts, I'm incredibly lonely for actual human interaction that doesn't take place via the internet, email, or texting.
And so?
So, I've spent 2013 focusing on what I can control.
My church started a community garden, and wanted volunteers to help staff it. I said no.
For a new pastor "meet and greet", they asked me to make a platter of sandwiches. I said no. In all honesty, I probably would have said yes, had Jack not been recovering from his tonsil surgery.
I had the opportunity to take a fantastic environmental class this quarter at a community college. I would have LOVED to take this class, and the tuition would have been mostly covered by my employer. I know I would have done well and learned so much. I said no.
My sewing machine has mostly sat idle since Christmas except for a quilt I'm making for a friend, a door stop, and a Jedi robe.
My seedlings for this summer's garden are a hot mess. Nothing is in the ground that I didn't plant last year, or was a volunteer (who knew peas would reproduce if accidentally not torn out in fall!).
I'm not sure if it was the Roku we got for Christmas, or my determination to say no this year, but my couch and my ass have had a long lost rekindled romance in the last few months.
The inner Sarah calls myself a lazy bitch, but the "just say no" Sarah checks "ignore mean Sarah" off the to-do list, and goes back to watching The Americans on Hulu. Shame on you if you aren't watching this show.
Am I accomplishing less? Yup. Am I compromising how I care for my family? Nope, not really. Our food is still almost entirely homemade, because I still enjoy cooking, and I can only watch The Americans via my laptop (seriously, this show needs to be in your life), so that keeps me in the kitchen. My house may not be dusted regularly, and I may not have vacuumed for three weeks knowing I would have to deep clean for Jack's birthday party. I have had to get past that.
Mental clarity, sleep, and emotional health have now taken priority over clean windows, and an organized freezer.
I can't do it all. I don't have to. I don't need to.
I am doing my best to treat myself with the respect that I finally have to acknowledge that I deserve.