My first published book

I distinctly remember my first grade teacher telling me that I should be a writer one day.  She encouraged me to enter a story in to a writing contest for elementary students, and I won for our school!  I got to go to a local community college for the day and attend writing conferences.

Funny that now, in my 30's, I'd actually be writing, for real.


Recently, my mom found the book that earned me the trip to the writing conference.  I had a fun time of looking it over, but I gotta say, it's pretty obvious I was weird from the beginning.  I mean, "Honey Spits"?  I didn't know that at seven, I had a talent for creating amazing porn star names.

So, in the absence of a post about food, chickens, gardening, or a DIY home product, I bring you The Tale of Honey Spits.  The text is kinda hard to read thanks to the awesome preservative powers of lamination, so I have added captions.

The cover.  So gothic.  The index card is hiding my full (maiden) name.

Page 1.  Argh, even at 7 I had a hard time with "its" vs. "it's".

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had a dog.  It's name was Honey Spits.
Page 2.  Did I give those birds penises?

She was polka dotted and she looked funny. She does not look like a normal dog.
Page 3:

Honey Spits is smart!  She knows how to do her math facts.  Honey Spits knows what 14x3 is.  It is 42.
Page 4.  Ack, more penis birds!  Dang, some of those birds should be in the movies if you know what I mean...

She is fun to be with.  Honey Spits is sometimes a WHACK-O!
Page 5.  Anyone care to venture a guess as to what the brown things are in the grass?  No clue over here.  Maybe penis bird poop?
She solves mysteries too.  Honey Spits solved the mystery of The Case of the Missing Milkbones!

Honey Spits is afraid of a little french poodle because she could erase her polka dogs on her body!  The french poodle has a special weird bow on her nose.  She puts her paw on any ordinary rock, and this BIG pink eraser comes out of her special weird bow.

The shape of the eraser comes out to be a unicorn.  It turns on a special machine and it says it charges of Honey Spits!  That is when Honey Spits checks into the Doggie Bone Inn.

When Honey Spits gets up to her room, she looks out the window to see if the french poodle is there.  When the coast is clear, she checks out of the motel and goes home with the little girl.

One day the U.P.S. Doggie Delivery rang the doorbell.  Honey Spits opened the package.  It was a small, little, tiny, bright yellow cat.  At first Honey Spits didn't like the cat, but as time went on, they got to be very very good friends.

One day the door bell rang again.  It was the french poodle.  She said "I don't like what I have been doing to you.  Please forgive me and be my friend, too!"  Honey Spits said, "Yes, I will forgive you."  Then the french poodle said, "Since my weird bow can erase your polka dots, I cut it off for GOOD!"  The three little animals lived happily every after with the girl.
:takes a bow: