Sign up to receive my posts in your inbox. Daily fart jokes abound!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

I believe I've topped myself. THIS is officially the lamest post I've ever written!

I always thought my sheet folding post would remain the pinnacle of my "dumb shit" posts.  Then I decided to challenge myself to come up with some thing more lame.

The wait is over.

That day is here my friends.

You are welcome.

When we lived in Los Angeles, I worked for a large corporate company that often had fancy pants parties.  More often than not, I was hosting said fancy pants party (with the company paying of course!).  My small town table manners (don't talk with food in your mouth, ask your fellow diners questions about themselves, and don't put your elbows on the table lest you squish the tiny fairies that live on the edge of your table) were decent, but had not prepared me for multiple forks and fancy table settings.

I felt out of my element at these functions.  I needed my own Barney from Pretty Woman to take me around, dress me up, and then grill me on which fork to use when.  And I obviously needed to be reminded not to wear my knee-high hooker boots to these functions.  And spoiler alert: Edward Lewis is not my uncle!

Sadly, I don't exactly remember where I picked these tips are (were they all from one person, or did I get them online?), but I did learn them eventually and they were so helpful when I was at Spago (yes, seriously), or another restaurant where they also happened to be filming The Hills (yes, seriously).

First things first, silverware - generally if there are multiple forks, you use the fork starting with the outside first.  So, if someone puts a first course in front of you, use the fork furthest away from you to eat that dish.  When that plate is taken away, the fork goes with it.  When the next course is placed before you, use the next furthest fork from you.  And so on and so on.

And let's say you're the one setting that dinner table.  Where does the silverware go?  Easiest way to remember it:

Fork has four letters, so does left.  The fork goes on the left (side note, if you're ever eating on a boat and someone tells you to go to the PORT side, just remember that PORT and LEFT both have four letters).

Knife and spoon both have five letters, so does right.  Therefore, the knife and spoon go on the right side of the plate.  And on a boat, starboard is on the right ("board" has five letters just like right).

If you're seated at a packed table and there is silverware, bread plates, dinner plates, water glasses, blah blah blah in front of you, it can be overwhelming.  Take a deep breath and remember this tip:  your "Bread" plate is to the left and your drink is to the right of your main plate.

Please believe me that I've make those hands under the table during dinner trying to remember which is which.

Should you ever find yourself at a fancy restaurant, now you're prepared.  If you find yourself eating dinner at my house, just make a modest attempt at washing your hands, don't pick your nose too often, and we'll call it good.

PS
If you find yourself at M.C. Hammer's house for dinner, this might be a useful tool for you:


 God help me, I hope someone understands that reference.

27 comments:

  1. ha! I got the reference... :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like the sheet post. Though I have been sticking to my 'shove everything in a pillow case straight out of the dryer' method. I think the wrinkles add character. ;-)
    I like this post too. Lameass confession- I used to do table setting competitions. Yes they exist lol. Yes I won a few times. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm truly going to need to see photos of these competitions. That sounds like 50 levels of awesome!

      Delete
  3. ha, this isn't lame at all I make those hands under the table to remind myself too. My hubby and I were recently at a fancy dinner, and he looked so lost so I showed him, and he laughed at me!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sarah- You, yourself are 2 legit! Thanks for the table setting post. I do believe it's the lamest yet. :) I always put my fork on the right, cuz I'm right handed! As the hubs fork goes on the left since he is left handed. LOL! I don't think I'll be attending any fancy pants dinners anytime soon but will definitely refer to your post when I need some help. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I need to remember the bread/drink thing for the next lamo district meeting. It is so comical watching a bunch of construction workers try to figure out which glasses, knife, etc. is theirs!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I actually remember watching the MTV world premier of that video in the student union..... LOL.
    (Not lame!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm picturing something like A Different World and everyone sitting around your student union (Spellman in my vision) wearing flip up glasses and fades.

      Delete
  7. Now all I need is a fancy place to have dinner...

    ReplyDelete
  8. I still need to do the b and d hands. And I'm also 2 Legit. 2 Legit to quit. Public school all the way! Wooo!

    ReplyDelete
  9. So helpful and so funny. Now I would like to invite MC Hammer over for dinner.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Not sure what the MC gestures are. Every time I think of MC Hammer I think of those drop crotch pants and U Can't Touch This plays in my head. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fast forward to 4:30 on this video (or watch the whole thing and realize everyone was smoking something in the 90's): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UJaLq4YOo0

      Delete
  11. LOL Totally got the gestures AND now have the song stuck in my head . . . . (Off to youtube I go to find the video!) . . . .
    While I have been known to do the Hand thing, sadly, I remember which is which, by which bones I have broken . .. {sigh}

    ReplyDelete
  12. You're a dork. A hot dork.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Lefty lumpy (bread) righty runny (drink)

    That was a legit post, too legit.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I did not get the last references.

    I don't know right from left!

    I do know how to set a table and which fork to use, which glass and bread is mine without a memory aid. I really, really hate it when people get into my food at a fancy, schmancy dinner. That person is usually the one everyone follows and I have to take a leftover glass or bread from somewhere that others have maybe touched, sipped, or breathed on...ack.

    Fitted sheet folding...they get rolled and stuffed somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess you get the gold star for manners then! Hopefully the rest of us, armed with memory aids can stop stealing your food.

      Skip to 4:30 on this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UJaLq4YOo0

      Delete
  15. personally I think the fitted sheet folding post was thebomb.com.

    ReplyDelete
  16. 2 Legit 2 Legit 2 Quit Hey Hey!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I just found your blog. In related news, I just snarfed my coffee.

    Now I have "Too Legit to Quit" stuck in my head. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dude, you'll never believe this but my sis' name is Amy and I'm Sarah, so YOUR name is blowing my mind right now!

      Glad you found me. Hope you stick around!

      Delete
  18. 2L2Q just made my day!

    ReplyDelete

Comments make me more excited than Jessie Spano on caffeine pills!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...